How to be a part-time Buddha

Dear Friends,

A big part of my mindfulness practice is taking care of my strong emotions. This practice, which I learned from Thich Nhat Hanh, has been integral to healing a lot of my internal and external (usually interrelated) struggles. Thich Nhat Hanh’s basic teaching on strong emotions is that we embrace them with our mindfulness, the kind of mindfulness that is filled with friendliness, compassion, joy, and is welcoming of all. 

I have found that personal growth always begins with this process of welcoming bodily sensations, feelings and habitual thought patterns. When I’m able to practice with what arises, eventually there is much less grappling and much more ease and joy. 

In theory, these practices sound easy. But they really aren’t. We’ve collectively been practicing mindlessness and emotional reactivity for eons. And yet, I have experienced that our Buddha nature is available to us at any moment. So, I’d like to share a very recent concrete example of finding a moment of freedom using mindfulness. To be completely honest, this was not a typical moment for me because, like you, I am not yet a full-time Buddha.

I was walking in Rock Creek Park with Roger and Woody, my two small terriers who often get aggressive if other dogs approach them. While the park doesn’t officially allow dogs to be off leash, it’s generally a safe place for dogs to run free. Roger and Woody are not those kinds of dogs, so they stay on their leashes. If needed, I ask dog owners to please keep their dogs from greeting my dogs so that my little bullies don’t start a fight.

This particular morning, a man and his off leash dog were walking toward me and I moved to the side holding treats to keep Roger and Woody focused on me. The other dog owner said about his dog, “Oh he’s friendly.” And I pointed to mine and said, “They aren’t.” He said “Well, what am I supposed to do!?” and I replied, “Please hold your dog and pass by me.”  He was very cranky about that request and replied, “You should go into the woods!” (meaning I should bushwack around him and his dog.) When I didn’t move, he leashed his dog and snapped aggressively, “This is the craziest thing ever!”  

Now triggered, I said sarcastically, “I’m sorry you had to hold your dog and go around me.” And he, now angry, said, “You should have gone into the woods like I just had to do.” And I said, somewhat sarcastically but mostly trying to reframe the situation for myself, “Bye. Have a great day!” 

Immediately after the confrontation was over, I felt tears welling up and I simply noticed them. The next thing I noted was the thought that I should call my husband and tell him how offensive this man was. Urgently unloading my upset on others is a very strong habit. Telling my husband this story would have been momentarily entertaining and it would have given me a brief feeling of superiority. But I would have transformed nothing. 

Rather than do anything right away, I continued to walk slowly through the woods, mindful of my steps and tracking how my mind searched for ways to escape the mental suffering that had been created by this interaction. 

In the Fourteen Mindfulness Trainings, we are counseled to sit with our anger: 

When anger manifests, we are determined not to do or say anything, but to practice mindful breathing or mindful walking to acknowledge, embrace, and look deeply into our anger. We know that the roots of anger are not outside of ourselves but can be found in our wrong perceptions and lack of understanding of the suffering in ourselves and others.   

Looking deeply into the roots of my anger, I realized that funny judgmental storytelling is the way I learned to get my need for empathy met. And I was aware that I could choose to give myself the empathy I needed without turning to anyone else or creating more drama internally or externally. 

I reflect to myself how upsetting it was to be aggressively confronted while walking alone in the woods. I acknowledged the feelings of hurt, fear and anger and validated to myself that these all made sense. I also noted that my needs for respect and kindness had not been met. 

Then I turned to the inner narrative I was creating. First, I allowed myself to unload all my thoughts by saying to myself: “I’m telling myself…” and listing all of the things I was telling myself. My inner voice was saying that He was an entitled <expletive>, He was rude, He was a jerk, etc. 

And realizing that I was the one making up this little story, I thought, “Well, Annie, you could make up a different story that might create a better outcome for everyone.” 

There are always more than one lens with which to look at any situation. So I came up with alternative stories like: Maybe he had some bad news that morning, Maybe he did something that caused him to get reprimanded at his job, or Maybe someone who looked like me had hurt him deeply. I authentically took in these new possible stories, and they had the direct effect of generating compassion and downregulating my nervous system. I immediately felt more at ease and could smile again.

I practice like this to transform my unhelpful habits and to expand the possible ways I have to deal with difficult situations. I don’t excuse or deny that this man acted in a harmful way. If this were someone in my social circle, after going through this process, I would also have a conversation with him about how I felt and how I wanted to be treated in the future. 

In How to Love, Thich Nhat Hanh reminds us that we have all the mindfulness we need to take care of ourselves, something we can discover when we are able to hold still with our reactive emotions:

When we ourselves can’t generate the energy to take care of ourselves, we think we need the energy of someone else. We focus on the need and the lack rather than generating the energy of mindfulness, concentration, and insight that can heal our suffering and help the other person as well.

Transforming anger into compassion creates true clarity by breaking the habit of believing all the stories we tell ourselves, and frankly feels better, physically and mentally. It also makes space for relationship transformation and healing which can have a very large ripple effect throughout society and the world. 

I would name this result true freedom, something we all have the ability to experience. When we practice taking care of and transforming our strong emotions, we have the opportunity to become a real Buddha. We may only be a part-time Buddha today, but on our way to full awakening.  

With love,
annie