Practices for Dark Days

Dear Friends,

I’ve mentioned in previous letters that the last couple years have brought me (and many of us) a barrage of challenges. In addition to experiencing the worldwide pandemic, our gaping political divide and the facing of our country’s painful legacy of racism, I was diagnosed with two unrelated cancers (treated for both), endured two painful weeks of hospitalization, and am still processing an excruciating family crisis. 

It’s hard to make sense of all the suffering we inevitably experience. I’m very grateful to have a practice that recognizes that suffering is inherent to life on Earth (see the Buddha’s First Noble Truth) and that transforming suffering is the path to understanding, compassion, and enlightenment.

There have been a few mornings during this period, when I lay in my warm bed and it wasn’t clear to me why I should get up. The number of challenges and the sadness were such that I had to shift my practice into a higher gear in order to move through the despair. 

“It is possible to live happily in the here and now. So many conditions of happiness are available—more than enough for you to be happy right now. You don't have to run into the future in order to get more.” – Thich Nhat Hanh, Being Peace

When I needed stronger support, I discovered some mindfulness practices that really helped. I’d like to share some of them with you here in case you ever need them. In addition to these tools, if you continue to feel despair I would suggest getting support from an experienced psychotherapist.

To help me get out of bed, I like to speak out loud some kind of mantra or prayer, setting an intention for my day – a reason to get up. The mantra I use most often is from Thich Nhat Hanh and it sets my purpose for the day as generating compassion for all beings:

Waking up this morning I smile,

24 brand new hours are before me.

I vow to live fully in each moment,

And to look at all beings with the eyes of compassion.

Alternatively, I say something like, “Please help me get through this day” or “I turn this day over to the universe, please show me what I need to do to be of service.”

Another practice is One Day at a Time - a classic 12-step slogan that works well for me. I remind myself that I only need to get through this one day, and when even that feels too hard, I just get through one hour or one minute or one breath. One of the gifts of emotional suffering for me has been that when thinking about the past brings sadness and thinking about the future brings fear, the only place to go is to the present moment.

I remind myself that, while I did not choose this suffering, I know it will benefit me in the long run. I know this because I have seen how my darkest moments have led me to the greatest insights and most joy. This is not faith, it is objective knowing from personal experience that the moments I have hated most turned out to be the moments in which I grew the most in understanding and compassion. Remembering this in a hard moment helps.

Sometimes we don’t have time or energy for a gratitude list or journal. So one difficult morning I challenged myself to pay close attention to each step I took down the stairs. With each step I required myself to come up with one thing that I was grateful for. By the time I got to the bottom of the stairs, my mood had lightened just enough to jump start my day.

It’s helpful to remember that we are never alone in our suffering. When someone tells me they are sorry I am going through this cancer journey, I know that it’s only a matter of time until they too will take a journey through the darkness. Of course, I don’t tell them this!  But I remind myself that every one of us will go through things just as difficult as what I am going through. There is no other way through life. And so I don’t have to take any of my suffering personally. In this moment, it just happens to be my turn right now.

The icing on top is remembering that in any moment, no matter how difficult, it is always possible to find something or some things to bring us happiness. Even the bleakest winter landscape can seem beautiful when we look with the eyes of mindfulness. Simple things like breathing in fresh air or seeing the face of another person can be the basis for generating a moment of happiness. Strung together, these individual moments of happiness can become the rope that pulls us out of bed and makes our lives worth living. 

I hope that something in this letter touched you and supported your practice. As always, feel free to reach out anytime.