Who is responsible for our suffering?

Dear Friends,

Last month, my friend Mitchell recommended that we both read Edith Eger’s book, The Choice. I found her description of her life before, during, and after the Holocaust to be quite amazing and inspiring. Eger became a psychotherapist, so in addition to telling her story, she analyzes her experiences through a psychological and spiritual lens.

Eger survived Auschwitz, moved to the United States, married and had children. She carried her childhood trauma with her, and she found herself looking around to find a source for what was making her so miserable. She concluded that her husband was the problem, and so decided to divorce him.

Once she was alone with herself and her feelings, she noticed that she was still unhappy and realized that quite a bit of her suffering was coming from inside. She writes, “I have become my own jailer, telling myself, ‘No matter what you do, you will never be good enough.’”

While most of us have not experienced the level of trauma that Eger did, many of us have habits of thinking and perception that create more suffering and then we project our struggles onto the people around us, mistakenly believing they are causing it. In reality, we hold the key to our own freedom. The teachings of the Buddha suggest that we look deeply into our own experience to understand the true source of our suffering. What can we do to transform our situation?

I have projected my suffering onto my work or lack of work, my partner, my parents and siblings, friends who moved away, challenges with my kids; anything that moves is fair game for me to blame my unhappiness on. But to be honest, I never got any real relief until I shone a compassionate light of mindfulness on my own thoughts and beliefs and transformed them at their origin.

“To know the real situations within ourselves, we have to survey our own territory thoroughly, including the elements within us that are at war with each other. To bring about harmony, reconciliation, and healing within, we have to understand ourselves.” – Thich Nhat Hanh, Teachings on Love

Eger goes on to write, “If I am really going to improve my life, it isn’t Béla [her husband] or our relationship that has to change, it’s me.” She goes on to do the hard work of taking care of her suffering (check out this video of Thich Nhat Hanh talking about how to transform suffering) and eventually she and Béla reunite.

“Your vision will become clear only when you can look into your own heart. Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakens.” – Carl Jung

Try this: take a short pause, turn off all the distractions and sit with your breathing or with the sounds inside and around you. Notice the habitual thoughts that arise in your mind and whether these thoughts contribute to your well-being or your despair. Nothing can continue to exist without nourishment. How are you nourishing your suffering and how might you also practice nourishing joy? 

Give it a try and let me know what you find out.  If you need support for your practice, reach out to me annie@rawmindfulness.com or set up a 1-on-1 call with me here.